Eating Disorders, Part 2

I freaked out. You can't imagine how scary this was. They had shown us this video in health class about eating disorders that was really creepy--at times the camera would go all crazy, to imitate the dizziness you'd get, there were shots of girls losing their hair, girls cutting themselves, carving things like FAT into their stomach--it was just awful. Scare tactics and everything. And here's the doctor telling me, "If you were a few pounds lighter, we would have diagnosed you as anorexic." I mean, I was a lot more anxious then, but that sort of diagnosis is really scary to hear.

So I just panicked. I was crying really hard, I was trying to talk and making absolutely no sense, all I could think was things like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my hair and DIE," etc. I kept thinking about that damn video. I said I was just underweight and I always had been, you get the idea. They told me that what I had was just sort of this generic eating disorder. Big whup. It's still scary to hear.

So we got this whole scedule with dietitians, and a diet to gain weight, the usual stuff, and after I really calmed down and got used to the idea, it wasn't so bad. I mean, I'd spent my entire life trying to gain weight, it was just like I was doing it in an organized way now. (I used to get these Ensure snack bars by the box, they were soooo good. I still crave them sometimes, but they're not sold in stores anymore.)

What I had a really hard time dealing with was just the idea of OH MY GOD I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. I didn't tell any of my friends at school for the longest time. I was afraid they would think I was a freak or something, or messed up in a serious way. Not in a bad way, either, but they would think, "Oh, poor Lawrie is sick, she has problems, we should be nice to her, make sure she eats," things like that. I didn't tell them anything until long after my recovery. It was vaguely anti-climactic, but that's another story. But to this day, I hesitate a bit before I tell people about this. I only talk to friends. That's why I said from the start, "I've never been anorexic," because I'm afraid people will think of me as the crazy depressed anorexic blogger girl. And that's not the way I want to be thought of. It's simply not part of my identity. I've never been clinically depressed in my life.

The first time I talked about it was at Young Writers' Workshop, a camp I attended that summer. Every day, there's these periods called electives--these range from discussing the word "slut" to learning flamenco. So my counselor had planned this one elective to talk about body image among girls, and she had this video I found in our suite. And I got upset. "Are you going to make us watch this?" I was very hostile. The last thing I wanted was to think about eating disorders again. I think I kinda annoyed my counselor.

After electives came, I dunno, lunchtime or something--anyways, everyone cleared out of the suite, except for a couple of us who stayed back to talk. A few girls were asking my counselor how the elective had gone. I stayed to, because I was perversely interested and repelled at the same time. And it just got into this whole big conversation. I remembering thinking, if I'm gonna tell anyone, it has to be now--so I just came out and said, "I have an eating disorder." And I started to cry. I can't tell you how much I wanted to tell someone, but I had been so afraid. And the other girls came out. They totally understood. They had had problems too, big problems, and they understood how it felt. I won't say more about that night--this was all very private, and these secrets aren't mine to tell.

That was the nice thing about YWW. You really had a support group. No, not that--you really had a group of friends. Everyone just bonded immediately.

Now before I go on, I should point out that at this point I had never had my period. I was fifteen years old, and I considered myself a late bloomer. Actually, to this day, my period is extremely irregular--every few months or so--but I've learned to see that as a blessing in disguise. Sorry if this kinda grosses out the guys in the audience, but it's important that you understand the next part.

See, after YWW I went to this 1-week science camp. The camp was entirely different from YWW--I felt completely out of place for the first few days (later I made some friends). I felt very homesick there, but for YWW, not for home. No joke.

So of course, this is the place where I got my period for the first time. I mean, it's inevitable that these things happen at the most awkward time ever. But I was so scared at first--not of the blood, but of telling people about it. I didn't want anyone to realize that I had never gotten my period before. I thought they would think I was a freak or something. Obviously, I had to tell my counselor about it, but I was very afraid to approach her. She was not at all like my YWW counselor, whom I would have gone to in a second. No, this one was very distant and kinda cold. I never really new her. But finally I managed to work up the courage to go see her, but I can't describe how sad and scared I felt, right up to the point where I knocked on her door. I just didn't want anyone to know about my period and the whole eating disorder thing.

So that's what this eating disorder thing was like. That was the biggest mental problem--being afraid of people thinking I was a freak. I loosened up later on, gained some weight (I'm 120-something now), and just learned to deal with the label. Telling my friends was slightly anti-climactic, though. I'd been afraid all this time, and they just kinda went, "Oh." Like they didn't care. I'm sure they did, they just didn't know how to respond. Which is understandable; what would you do if your friend confided in you like that?

Look, it's getting very late and I need to go. I'll post the rest on Monday, okay? I still have to tell you about the assembly.